The other day we saw an image on digg which showed what comes up in Google when you start typing the words “how to fake a”. I guess the point of the image is that a popular search done by women is “how to fake a pregnancy” – and while we can’t quite figure out why you’d seriously want to fake a pregnancy, we figured we’d do our best to lend a helping hand to those who think they can actually pull it off. While it’s completely immoral, and we 100% condemn/judge those who try faking a pregnancy, we can’t help but stand in awe of the chutzpah that a woman has to have to actually pull this off.
1. Vomit frequently.
Even if you have to pour water in the toilet to make it sound like you’re throwing up, a sure fire way to “prove” a pregnancy is to throw up. At least 65% of pregnant women experience vomiting due to the hormonal influx of the Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (hCG) pregnancy hormone and an increase of the body’s “relax” hormone Relaxin. Morning sickness can extend throughout the day and is generally brought on by odors from foods, tobacco, even your partners’ breath, and generally lessens after 12 weeks of “pregnancy” if not ends completely. And, just for an added tip while growing your phony “bundle of joy” be consistent with the odors that “make” you run to the bathroom and you’ll be certain to pull of a phony pregnancy.
2. Fake a positive pregnancy test.
Have a pregnant friend give you some of her urine, stick an at-home pregnancy test in it, and wait two minutes for the plus sign. Or you could always order a positive test kit via the multitude of websites out there.
3. Stuff your bra immediately.
Due to Human Placentel Lactogen (HPL) or human chorionic somatammamotropin, also known as HPL, a woman’s body instantly prepares for lactation when conception occurs. This causes the breasts to swell, tremendously and usually painfully, in the beginning stages of a pregnancy. In order to successfully pull off a fake pregancy, pad your bra and loudly pretend that your breasts are on fire whenever they are touched.
4. Pee. Alot.
Run to the bathroom every five minutes in the beginning and end of your “pregnancy.” Pressure from your growing “uterus” and “baby” causes a woman’s bladder to be compressed, especially in the first weeks of pregnancy and after the seventh month of pregnancy. Hormones also play into the frequent and sudden urge to urinate.
5. Eat lots of salty and weird combinations of foods from the start.
Salty foods will give your body that added “puffiness” that is a trademark in a real pregnancy. Most women have strange pregnancy cravings for foods as the growing embryo taxes the woman’s system and robs it of vital nutrients. Food cravings are generally a sign that a woman’s body needs to restore vitamin and nutrient deficiencies. So, in order to pull of your fake pregnancy, belly up to a pint of ice cream with pickles as a side dish, squirt ketchup on your pancakes, and if you’re a vegetarian, have a big juicy steak. Eat whatever your heart desires and anything else wouldn’t be a standard food of your typical diet.
6. Alter your gait.
The hormone relaxin causes body aches to flourish during pregnancy and also causes muscles, ligaments and joints to get very lax in preparation for pregnancy and childbirth. Areas most affected by relaxin are the hips and lower back. Practice your waddle (think a duck like walk) and don’t forget to use it in the company of those you’re trying to convince of your “pregnancy.” Because a woman’s center of gravity shifts while pregnant, it’s best to be a little imbalanced and uncoordinated in order to make your phony pregnancy seem real.
7. Complain, Complain, Complain.
Despite the hormone Relaxin’s wonderful powers of relaxation, the hormone Oxytocin causes muscles to contract. Usually this involves muscles in the lower back and abdomen to ache and sometimes throb depending on the size of a woman’s baby. As the pregnancy ends, Oxytocin production increases dramatically and generally causes uterine contractions. Use your acting chops and complain about your aching everything in the last weeks of your pregnancy from your feet, back, and shoulders, to your neck, belly, and hips.
8. Mood swings 100 times worse than any P.M.S. you’ve ever witnessed
Due to the chemicals involved in pregnancy, mood swings are a common symptom most women experience at any point of the pregnancy. A combination of fatigue and hormones cause a woman to behave erratically, even if she was stable pre-pregnancy. Mood swings most frequently occur during pregnancy in women who experience mood swings as a result of her monthly cycle. Up the ante on the moodswings and run the gamut of emotions: laughing one minute, crying the next, becoming easily angered etc… to assure your “pregnancy” is believable.
9. Stuff your pants.
Increase waist circumference weekly, starting small in weeks one through twelve, at half inch increases, and then slightly more in weeks 12-24 adding 1 inch weekly. After 24 weeks, increase waist size 2 inches weekly with even more in weeks 36 to 40. Just be consistent in your stuffing. Don’t forget to pad your bra as well. Most women go up at least two cup sizes from the start of a pregnancy to the end, so feel free to overstuff.
10. Be absent minded frequently.
A study of women’s brains by the American Journal of Neuroradiology proves what many people who have known any woman who has carried a child suspect: a woman’s brain shrinks during pregnancy. The AJR study found “qualitative decreases in maternal brain size have been observed late in pregnancy” which peaks at childbirth. This brain size decrease causes forgetfulness and general absent mindedness. After a “real” pregnancy, it can take up to 6 months postpartum for a woman to return to her natural state of mind and for most women, even longer to reclaim the rest of her body.